The Coolest Thing I

On Tue, 21 Oct 1997 23:55:11 -0700, Room 101 <room101@teleport.com>
astounded all by quoting:

>On Wed, 22 Oct 1997, Christopher Giese wrote:
[ sneep ]
>> Forgot where, but I read a nifty parable comparing SubGenii and
>> Discordians. I would be greatly enlightened if someone could extend
>> it to Kibologists:

>> A SubGenius and a Discordian shared an apartment with a defective
>> toilet. The landlord sent a plumber to fix it, and though the repairs
>> left the toilet usable, one now had to push the lever UP to flush.

>> The SubGenius was annoyed, because this inconvenienced him.

>> The Discordian was pleased, because this violated his expectations.

>> The Kibologist was the landlord.

this is so incorrect, it's sad.

the Kibologist was the *plumber*.

the Discordian turned the lever into a saint.

the SubGenius catapulted the toilet through the landlord's
picture window with the BLEEDING HEAD OF ABE VIGODA lolling
about in the porcelain bowl.

and the landlord sold it as a work of modern art, because
THE LANDLORD IS "BOB".

-----Original Message-----
From: EricStov <ericstov@aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.discordia
Date: Thursday, April 30, 1998 1:50 AM
Subject: Discordianism and Sub-Genii

>Discordians and Sub-Genii were once the same creatures. They lived >together in a civilization that respected the chaos in the universe as much >as the order. These beings also acknowledged that while both order and >chaos were to be respected, chaos was a lot more fun.
>
>Then there was a fissure in the great crystal, and the crystal became dark >and the Discordians and the Sub-Genii were created as the original >creatures were torn asunder by the cracking of the crystal.....wait this >sounds awfully familiar....but I digress.
>
>In the beginning there were Discordians and they liked to hang out and >write pamphlets and do neat counter-culture things and subtlely tweak the >collective unconcious here in there with a system of mind play or >metaprogramming that relies on what I call the social butterfly effect >wherein a person discusses Kierkegard in a coffeehouse in Boston and as a >result of that a valley girl twenty years later orders a hot dog sans bun >rather than her usual Hunk-o-Tofu.
>
>Discordians realized that presenting a unified front in the name of chaos >was hypocritical and counter productive. If they presented a unified front, >then the greyfaces could say that it was us against them or them against us >and basically break the whole scene down into a basic set of enemies and >allies that would completely defeat the purpose of dispensing pamphlets >about the Erisian Day of Fasting on the streets of San Francisco because >anyone distributing such materials could be considered one of "them"
>So what happened was that cabals were developed. Cabals were really >just Discordians that distributed their own kind of pamphlets and tweaked >the society with their own brand of metaprogramming using their own sets >of symbols, icons, mascots and saints. In other words, each Cabal >maintained the ideals of chaos as joy through the implementing of their >own unique semantic framework. This helped make Discordianism seem >either to Disorganized to be a threat or too silly to be real and enabled the >metaprogramming to continue on a subliminal level.
>
>Somewhere in the midst of all this, Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea
>fictionalized all of it and got people really confused. Then there was a card
>game. And there was much merchandising, most of which is useless and commercial and a piece of the homogenous mallscape of modern society >making it crass, disgusting and absolutely perfect because the lines are >blurring but I am really digressing and the hour is late and the millenium >approacheth.
>
>So you have these cabals.
>
>One such cabal took the image of Ward Cleaver on a plethora of intriguing
>chemicals and made him the power and the glory forever and ever and >that is Bob Dobbs. They wrote the books of Slack. These were pamphlets, >but the graphic of Bob was catchy, it tapped into something in the >unconcious. The image is one of the 1950's mutated. As such the center of >the Church of the Sub-Genius was that of the 1950's mutated. Where the >fifties had Ward Cleaver and Leisure time, the Church of the Sub-Genius >has Bob and Slack.
>
>So these pamphlets were catchy and people got into it because they thought they got it. They didn't. Pretty soon the people who created the >whole mess thought that THEY got it. Which is a pity seeing as how if they >had gone about their task of cabal creation and social butterfly effect use >properly, they would not get it.
>
>Thus the pretention began. Pamphlets became books. An icon became >multimedia events on Night Flight. It all went so horribly horribly awry. >Creativity was replaced by dogma and the catch phrases became the >gospel of their church.
>
>Discordians, can subscribe to multiple cabals. Some Sub-genii realize that
>they are also discordians and partake of this practice as well. All too many,
>however say that there is the bob and only the bob yada yada yada.
>
>So in short: All sub-genii are Discordians whether they like it or not.
>Not all Discordians are Sub-genii so neener neener neener.
>
>Eric Executive Chairperson of Messiah Relations.

...speaking of Research:

COBAL(TM)- Our balogna has a first name, but
it wont't fuckin' tell us what it is. Fucking balogna!
.............................................
Just ran across this - intensely wonderful...

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I
hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is
the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets
to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red
M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in
the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest
of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I
pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding
purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
1/2 pound bag of plain M&M's.; I consider this "grant money." I have
set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.
--
Rob Havelt.Webmaster.Wood.Dimensions.Ltd.
-export-a-crypto-system-sig -RSA-3-lines-PERL
#!/usr/sbin/perl -sp0777i<X+d*lMLa^*lN%0]dsXx++lMlN/dsM0<j]dsj
$/=unpack('H*',$_);$_=`echo 16dio\U$k"SK$/SM$n\EsN0p[lN*1
lK[d2%Sa2/d0$^Ixp"|dc`;s/\W//g;$_=pack('H*',/((..)*)$/)
--
Look, I don't know how they do things on your
home planet, spaceman...but here at COBAL(TM)
we just don't talk to gun-toting, redneck,
amphetimine freaks that way.

Give us speed, give us sex, LSD, and 'Net access.... COBAL(TM)

JEFF VOGEL talk.bizarre 1998/05/20 wrote:

THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book
of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems,
assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.

1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each
an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame,
how much does God now love Bob?

2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either?

3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be
the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5m/s
in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian
coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational
Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved?
(Hint: Assume a point soul.)

4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved
human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing
jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin
level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and
enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.)Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn smug now, is he?

Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine
undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord.
How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

> Hexar wrote:
>
> > I've been disappointed in the school shootings since Columbine... too
>>many injuries, not enough deaths. What's wrong with shooters these days?
> > >
> > Columbine was the last planned spree shooting, the rest have been more
> > spur-of-the-moment.
>
>   Not that it's entirely on-topic, but you know what I think? No? Why
> not? Okay, I'll tell you. I think all the stuff about kids being inured
> to violence by video games like Quake - it's bullshit, right? Okay, we
> got that. Know what else I think? I think, you hear about something like
> that on the news, see a five minute spot on it - it's not gonna affect
> you too much. I mean, on the news, okay? "Ten killed, five wounded in
> school shooting, film at eleven"? What, is it supposed to make us drop
> to our knees in agony and scream "WHY?" at the uncaring gods? You
>hear about somebody getting killed, right? You don't know 'em, never met
>'em, never will (kind of obvious that), and now they're dead, and so what?
>I mean, all those people on the TV, the news commentators - you think
>they care? They're getting paid overtime for doing the live coverage. It's
> this culture - people getting offed like that is such a remote and
> meaningless thing to us because we're not involved, have nothing to do
> with it except that it's on our TV screen. There's your desensitization
> to violence - right there. It's not Quake or Marilyn Manson or 'Natural
> Born Killers' or the Internet - it's not being *there* where the people
> are dying, just seeing the news on TV about it.
>
>   I'm not saying that it makes people commit murder, no more than Quake
> does. I'm just saying that if everybody's so big on kids being
> desensitized to violence and murder, that's it right there.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Aaron Miller                                        mamiller@olemiss.edu
> who doesn't watch TV except for 'Natural Born Killers', 'The Basketball
> Diaries', and Chow Yun Fat movies - but hasn't killed anybody... yet

23Skidooooo <23skidooooo@my-deja.com> wrote in message
<3892aa5a.27101579@NNTP.service.ohio-state.edu>...
>Credits to "Pat" for the Creationist Theme.

>Don't know much about biology,
>Don't know paleontology.
>Don't know nothin' in no science book,
>And big numbers always get me shook.
>Don't know much about geology,
>Don't know much of embryology.
>Don't know much about no DNA;
>It's all Satan's doing, anyway.
>
>And I know that none of it is true,
>And if I can make you doubt it too,
>What a wonderful world this would be.
>
>I don't claim to be an "A" student;
>I don't want to be.
>'Cause maybe by being an "A" student, Baby,
>I'd learn somethin' real bad for me.
>
>Don't know much about no rocks and ages
>Look at the pictures and I turn the pages.
>Don't know how the oak trees ran so fast
>Till the flood caught up with them at last.
>
>But Woody's story's good enough for me
>And if all those scientists could see.
>What a wonderful world this would be.
>
>What a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful world!
>
>-----
>Pope Skidoo

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RIAA Sues Mirror Manufacturers

Los Angeles - Calling them promoters of soul stealing the RIAA filed
suit today against the mirror manufacturing industry seeking damages
of more than $12 billion. "These soul pirates must be stopped," said
RIAA President and CEO Hilary Rosen, "The only purpose of their
product is to steal the soul of our musicians, only the RIAA has that
right."
The lawsuit was a hot topic on internet message boards. One poster on
the Napster board wrote, "They can't stop us, it's too late, if they
ban mirrors we'll use spoons, ban spoons we'll use tin foil, ban tin
foil we'll use shiny black CD covers. It's not the middle ages
anymore, the technology is moving too quickly for them to keep up."

The members of Metallica, who have banned mirrors and shiny objects at
their Summer Sanitarium tour, feel this is a worse threat than
Napster. Lars Ulrich said, "I just learned about this soul stealing
technology from our managers. Stealing our music is one thing,
stealing our souls is quite another. Being soulless has its
advantages, but as an artist I want to have control over what happens
to my soul."

Other artists such as Michael Bolton and Celine Dion aren't as
worried, saying they have been producing music without a soul for
years now.

In addition to their lawsuit the RIAA also began lobbying for
legislation that would require all mirrors to be equipped with
soul-blocking technology. "This soul-blocking technology would make
the mirror non-reflective," said Smith Mirrors CEO Thomas Hanlon.
"It's ridiculous, our product would be useless and we'd be driven out
of business."